How many mothers of children on the autism spectrum feel like prisoners in their homes? I have read some accounts in online forums that lead me to believe I am incredibly fortunate.

When David was about nine months old, my husband and I got a sitter so we could go out for our anniversary. He screamed at the top of his lungs the entire time we were gone. Nothing the babysitter did would console him. He finally exhausted himself and fell asleep half an hour before we returned home. I think it was years before we went out together without David after that.

He also screamed constantly at the nursery when I tried to attend church services. I finally gave up and only went to church when my husband was able to watch him.

But I never felt like a prisoner because I did get opportunities to go out. David’s meltdowns weren’t frequent as long as I was with him, so I could take him along as I ran errands. More importantly, my husband gave me opportunities to do things on my own when he could be with David.

By the time David was three years old, he had been in preschool and was around many more people on a regular basis, especially therapists. After he becamse familiar with a sitter, I was able to leave him without many problems.

Now I read of mothers who can’t take their children out because they are prone to meltdowns and can’t leave home without their children because the child won’t tolerate it. Some are even unwilling to stay with Dad; only Mom will do. It’s a clear case of minority rule.

I see stories of mothers who must sneak out for time with girlfriends after the children are in bed – leaving Dad or a sitter watching them, of course. Some, of course, can’t find or can’t afford a sitter. Far too many mothers feel selfish for wanting a little time to themselves, and the shame is that some other family members seem to think they are being selfish, too.

I don’t know if it’s unique to autism that a child can behave so badly that mothers won’t be cruel enough to foist them off on a sitter. I do know that it is almost equally difficult for the mother of any infant or toddler to have time alone.

I guess there’s no easy answer. I wasn’t willing to subject a sitter to David when I knew he’d scream for hours. Few mothers will do that. But if a child is school age and still can’t tolerate Mom leaving the house for a couple of hours, is it time for tough love? A child can’t learn that Mom will always come home until Mom is given the chance to do so.

How can a mom take care of a child if she can’t even get the chance to take care of herself?