PART III

MIKO: That’s because it is not true! You are making this up!

MOM: I’ll teach you one phrase, but you can never teach it to anyone else because then They will destroy me.

BOTH : TELL US!!!!

MOM: Okay. It goes: “Eep Opp Ork Ah Ah.” That means “I love you.” Footnote²

FIFI: “Eep Opp Opp Ork Ork Ah Ah?”

MOM: No. Listen carefully: “Eep Opp Ork Ah Ah.”

MIKO: You’re LYING!!

MOM: You don’t believe me?

BOTH: NO!!!

FIFI: If you are really an Alien, then SHOW ME YOUR ZIPPER!!!! Footnote³

MOM: Here, call your big sister and ask her what “Eep Opp Ork Ah Ah” means. She’s the only other Earthling that knows.

[Mom dials Izzy’s (age 18) phone number and hands the cell phone to Miko.]

MIKO: Izzy? What does “Eep Opp Ork Ah Ah.” mean?

IZZY: That means “I love you.” You’ve never heard that before?

MIKO (apparently too disturbed to chat further): Here’s Mom.

[Miko hands the cell phone back to Mom.]

MOM: Hi, Iz. I gotta go – I’m driving.

IZZY: Oooo-kay???? Bye-bye then????

MOM: Bye. [hangs up phone]

MOM [to Miko]: Well, what did she say?

MIKO : She said that means I love you.

MOM: She did?

MIKO: Yes.

MOM: Does that freak you out?

MIKO: YES!!!!

² "Eep Opp Ork Ah Ah!" is a silly rock and roll song performed on episode "A Date With Jet Screamer" of the cartoon series THE JETSONS/ABC/1962-64.

³ Apparently Real Aliens have zippers? This was news to me, but Fifi is pretty convinced of it, so I gotta think fast…

PART IV

MOM: Don’t forget – you musn’t teach anyone else the secret language because then I will be Destroyed.

MIKO: Good! I want you destroyed!! I want my Mother back!

MOM: You do?

BOTH: YES!!

MOM: But even though I’m not your Real Mother, haven’t I always been a good mother to you?

MIKO: NO!!

FIFI: Yes she has!!

MOM: Gosh, the only reason I told you all of this is because I thought you both loved me and I thought you were old enough to handle the truth. I guess I was wrong. I never should have told you. I’m very sorry.

FIFI: You are just joking anyways, right, Mom?

MOM: Of course I am. It was all a joke. None of it is true.

MIKO: If you were really an Alien, I would lock you in a cage.

MOM: But I’m far too powerful to be confined to a cage.

MIKO: But the bars are made of steel.

MOM: I can bend steel with my Mind.

MIKO: No you can’t!!!

[We pulled into the driveway. The automatic garage door is faulty and usually it won’t open completely. When you press the opener in the car, the garage usually only opens about a foot and then it gets hung up and stuck. Usually, without even being asked, Miko jumps out of the car and when I press the button, he gently lifts the garage door as it is opening until it is opened more than a foot – then it opens the rest of the way just fine on its own.]

MOM: Miko, I need you to jump out and help the garage open for me.

MIKO: No! Just do it with your mind!!

[So I pressed the button. I was just killing time trying to think up an excuse as to why my Mind Power wasn’t working, and IT ACTUALLY OPENED ALL BY ITSELF! I was just as surprised as the kids! I guess Dad fixed the garage door..]

MIKO : I HATE THIS!!! I’m telling Dad when he gets home!

MOM: Please don’t. He doesn’t know about any of this.

PART V

MIKO: I AM!! I’m gonna tell him everything you said!

MOM: I wish you wouldn’t.

[The rest of the afternoon continues in much of the same way with the kids grilling me and laughing nervously at my responses. I won’t continue to bore you with the exact dialogue – you get the picture…]

[FINALLY it is 6:00. Dad’s home.]

MIKO and FIFI [talking at once]:
DAD! DAD!! Mom’s an Alien!!
Yeah! She ate our Real Mother!!

[Both kids are talking at once and going on and on for five solid minutes with Dad looking very serious.
Finally they stop talking and are staring at Dad.
They are waiting for his reaction.]

DAD: You kids didn’t know this already? I’m sorry, guys, I thought you both knew…

MIKO: But Mom said she never told you!!!!

DAD: True. But I’ve always suspected…

FIFI: Why didn’t you DO SOMETHING??!!?!!

DAD [softly]: Because I was afraid your Mother would eat me.

The END